Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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