I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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