we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
