I bet he comes in French.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
