Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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