Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
