I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
