i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
