My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
