I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
