it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
