Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
