My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize