Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
