I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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