So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
