i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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