and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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