how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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