my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
