false alarm. still invincible.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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