K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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