Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
