Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My bed smells like the plague
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