i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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