Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
