she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
