so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
