Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
