your parents love me but you hate me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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