i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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