I'm so fucking centered right now
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
