Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
