Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
