The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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