walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
