woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
