i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That accounts for only three of the penises
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
