If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
