i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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