I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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