I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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