Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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