Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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