Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
