Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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