When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
