you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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