Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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