I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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