She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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