I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You made out with two different species that night
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
