I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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