woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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