As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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