Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
