You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
